The Mercedes Conspiracy

There’s a commercial on TV right now that I have a little problem with. You might have seen it. It’s a commercial for Mercedes Benz. Now usually, I wouldn’t have a problem with this company. They have a history of building fine automobiles. In my lifetime, I have owned two. They weren’t new, but they were good enough for me. One had a diesel engine, and that’s all I’m gonna say about that. But the other one was fine, and I really enjoyed it. Anyway, this commercial tells us how much this car company loves America and especially the South. It tells us that they don’t just build cars in the Southeastern part of America, but they actually consider themselves as a “part of Southeastern America”. Well, that’s fine, but then the commercial goes on to say that Mercedes has 700 “craftsmen” in South Carolina, 1,000 “engineers” in Alabama and “dreamers” in Georgia, all working for us and Mercedes Benz. Now, stop the clock, and let’s think about this for just a minute. I know a lot of people in South Carolina. Fine people, good people, but honestly, the only real craftsman I ever knew in South Carolina was a fellow named Obedhia who lived in the woods near Possum Town about four miles down a dirt road. I can’t prove it, but I don’t think Obedhia ever got close to a Mercedes Benz much less worked on one. But I do know that for many years he made some of the most outstanding, clearest, non-tax paid corn liquor that ever got put into sparkling clean Mason jars which were then loaded into the back of a 1966 Ford pickup and driven up to Washington, D.C. where it was delivered to some special customers who also happened to be United States Senators. They all agreed that Obedhia was indeed a skilled craftsman, and they never worried about any impurities in those jars because the contents would have killed any germ the Surgeon General ever heard of many times over. That’s the truth. Now, let’s talk about Alabama. Good folks, fine, fine people in Alabama, like a football coach named Saban. Coach likes Mercedes cars too. That’s fine. I have kin folks and some friends over in Alabama. Outstanding people. They might even be some of the smartest people in Alabama. They like those cars too. But they ain’t engineers. Who’d of thought you could find 1,000 “engineers” working away in their white lab coats on the assembly line building cars in Alabama? That would be about as likely as finding 1,000 NFL first-round draft choice linebackers, running backs, receivers and Brock Bowers all hanging out on the streetcorners of Stuttgart, Germany, just hoping to get a job at the Mercedes factory. That’s fine. I guess I was just a little surprised to learn that Georgia Tech graduates and a few M.I.T. boys said no to NASA and flocked to Alabama. Matter of fact, the only engineers I ever heard of in Alabama were the ones that blew the train whistle at the German cars that were running the stop sign at the crossing gates. You know, there’s something strange going on here, but let’s get back to the real problem which is this: When this Mercedes commercial mentions Georgia, they don’t talk about craftsmen or engineers, they just call us “dreamers”. Now, what does that sound like to you? To me, it sounds like they’re saying about all we do down here in Georgia is sleep. That’s right. It’s “Sleepy time down South”. So, I would say in conclusion, that this commercial is false, misleading, offensive, and unnecessarily rough, and . . . Wait a minute! I think I see a yellow flag on the field, and I got a feeling this ain’t about Mercedes at all. This smells like an S.E.C. conspiracy and South Carolina, Alabama, and a little German car company all need to get called for unsportsmanlike conduct! Well, well, seems as though we have figured out this mystery. So, let the cock crow and the tide roll. It’s only three and a half months before The Dawgs bring on your worst nightmare ever. Yes sir, the dreamers in Georgia are awake, and the dream is alive in 2025. Now, excuse me, I might have to go boycott Mercedes and buy me a used Tesla!