Too much heat

As a young man, I took a cross-country trip following graduation across the United States with three college buddies to get better acquainted with the county of my birth. Our mode of transportation was a well-broken-in 1966 Ford Econoline. The list of extra options on this high-mileage pack mule was real short. It had a radio. That was it. It didn’t matter to us. We were young and bullet proof. We left Georgia in the blazing heat of August headed for New Orleans, but we didn’t really know how hot it can get in the USA until we hit west Texas a week or so later. After a day or two of riding through the desert landscape, we discovered the survival secrets used by the locals. First of all, if you don’t have air conditioning, you travel at night. Also, if you have a pickup or a 1966 Econoline, there are other techniques. We stopped on a corner in Winslow, Arizona (the same one the Eagles sang about) where they were selling blocks of ice big enough to sit on. Now, if you open all the doors and windows on a 1966 Econoline van and put a big block of ice in the back, it’s amazing what a nice cool breeze you can get at 55 miles an hour. This was before the days of luxury vans, but we felt very impressed with ourselves and our ingenuity. Fortunately, we had left our pride back in Georgia, so the stares we got riding down the highway with all the doors open didn’t bother us a bit. When we finally made it over the mountains and into California, the temperature dropped about 18 degrees. We went up the Pacific coast, and then back to Georgia in the next few weeks. The clutch was burning up as we crossed the Ogeechee River, but we got home.

As a “somewhat “older man, I now have different techniques for dealing with excessive heat. I recently issued an executive order in my household saying it is no longer forbidden to lower the setting on the A/C to 74 degrees. Also, it will no longer be punishable to increase the speed on all ceiling fans from low to medium or high. Furthermore, in the interest of comfort, I will be pressuring all elected government officials to immediately adopt a Beneficial Emergency Critical Option Operating Law (BE COOL) which will allow a more relaxed and less constrictive lifestyle featuring muu muus, sack dresses, crocs, sleeveless T-shirts, tube tops, bathing suits and pajama pants as the appropriate attire worn at all municipal, state and federal buildings as well as all of the major “big-box” retail stores. Also, standing around the water cooler at work will now be replaced by running through the sprinkler in the parking lot. It has been suggested that all different types of hair color and styles both for male and female be interchangeable, as well as the observance of “make-free” days. These measures are still under review, along with a possible referendum on allowing men over the age of 72 with no suntan at all to wear short pants with black knee socks. That may be going a little too far. At any rate, if you would like to join the BE COOL party, we will have a rally on the first day of winter. In the meantime, I think I need to get in out of the sun.